When right-wing provocateur Andrew Breitbart passed on, a good source at heaven's gate tells me his meeting with gatekeeper St. Peter was not what Andrew expected. First of all, and to Breitbart's shock, Peter is black.
Tsk, tsking in admonition, Peter told Andrew that he could read the prankster's thoughts and he was not pleased. Stuttering and in shock, Andrew's first thought was the location of James O'Keefe, to help him catch the gatekeeper performing socialistic 'freebies' for lazy dead people, especially the black ones. He just knew this had to be a liberal plot. It had to be.
After several back and forths as Breitbart argued with Peter, the gatekeeper became tired of Breitbart's misdirections and lies. The frustrated saint finally bellowed a sound that could be heard in every corner of heaven. It was so loud and so visceral, even Andrew Breitbart stopped talking, his knees shaking.
As if responding to the gatekeeper's bellow, a shadowy figure appeared behind Andrew. It was a figure he knew too well. Or, perhaps it was figure
s he knew too well. The strange beast came into focus with tentacles ending in the heads of some of his own personal heroes. There was Lee Atwater. And Richard Nixon. Joseph Goebbels gnashed and growled.
Andrew felt at once repulsed and strangely attracted to this beast. All his heroes were there. St. Peter interrupted Breitbart's confused reverie. "It is your choice, Andrew - heaven or hell. We don't want you here but God has forced my hand."
No sooner had Peter issued this statement than the multi-tentacled one called out in a multi-layered voice that roared with menace. "Andrew, you can have all the thrills here you want with us. In heaven you have to be civil, be truthful and love on another. That's no fun. You can't exploit those qualities up there."
Hearing these words, Andrew Breitbart knew his destiny. Without saying a word, St. Peter let out a sigh of relief. With that sigh, the provocateur disappeared. So did the beast. Peter shook his head, for he knew that the beast was stronger now yet somehow weaker. Peter spoke sadly, "such is life and death." He continued, looking over at an old woman, a new entry into his parlor, "Shit. We even let in Margaret Thatcher."